My friend and I are preparing for our biking fundraiser in Cambodia. We don’t want to go to the country completely ignorant, so we’re trying to learn as much about the culture and history as we can.
I was lucky enough to be introduced to a new friend who is from Cambodia and she recently traveled to the country last year. Three of us went for coffee a few days ago to hang out and our discussions led to accountability for murder and forgiveness. You know . . . normal coffee shop talk.
I was asking about the Khmer Rouge and she said she has family who was killed during the regime. I wanted to know what kind of accountability and justice has been done or should be done. We soon got into a conversation about forgiveness after someone has done something so atrocious to your loved ones.
I said, “I think it’s easier said than done. I’ve only read accounts of murders and genocides and I feel enraged just reading about them. It’s easier to be rational about morals when you’re not experiencing the situation.”
She replied, “Yes, they should be accountable but if even if they were all put to death, what would that do? Forgiveness is also for yourself.”
I asked if people deserve to be forgiven if they feel no sorrow for their actions. Then my Cambodian friend talked about the Khmer people on trial who were bragging about the number of people they killed.
Then our other friend said, “I think a big misconception is that forgiveness is for the other person. But it’s also for yourself and not holding that anger with yourself.” She then told a story of a teacher who gave each of his students a bag with potatoes. He told them to walk around the room with the potatoes. When he asked his students how they feel, they said, “Tired, frustrated and heavy.”
They continued to walk with the bag. When he told them to put the bag down, he asked them how they felt and they said, “Relieved and better.” He said, “That’s what forgiveness is.”
My friend said forgiveness is about letting go of that anger and moving past the hatred for your own sanity and healing.
Forgiveness After a Genocide
After the Rwandan genocide, many of the genocidaires were released into the community. In 2003, 20,000 of the prisoners were released and returned into their communities. Many of the victims of the genocide had to live side by side with the people who massacred their children and family members, as documented in the film My Neighbour, My Killer.
When I saw the film, my heart wrenched hearing the mothers describe the brutal hacking and murder of their children. I could only imagine my own reaction yelling and plotting vengeance if I ever came face to face with the people who wiped out my loved ones.
Yet, when the government established the Gacaca Tribunals, open-air hearings with citizen-judges meant to try their neighbors and rebuild the nation, many people were emotional but also controlled and profoundly wise.
One of the elders told one of the victims, “Rwamfizi, if you don’t want this weight on your heart, if you really want to be freed of it, reach out to me, let us speak in trust. In a real discussion, who knows where words will lead.”
This type of tribunal was an experiment in reconciliation where confessed genocide killers are sent home from prison, while traumatized survivors are asked to forgive them and continue living side-by-side.
Before the sessions began, one of the women asked her friend, “What if they come back to finish off the rest of us?” Her friend replied, “He might as well kill me. I was already dead when he killed my children.”
One of the people leading the session said, “The State is concerned with what happened in this country. Your lawyer will will be your neighbour. Your prosecutor will be your neighbour. Your judge will be your neighbour. We must build a new Rwanda, like it or not. So as not to leave a cursed legacy to our children.”
It was disturbing to me how the murderers spoke in a calm and descriptive voice about their crimes. The ones who were portrayed in the film didn’t seem to be extremely sorry for what they have done. Maybe people can turn off their emotions if they can do such horrific things do other humans, especially children.
It’s an interesting way to live your life to use your neighbours as your judge. How well do you treat other people and are people hurt by what you say or do?
I hope many of the victims found some peace and have the ability to continue to live their lives with less heavy hearts.
Forgiving a Family Member
Today I saw Oprah interview a family who suffered the loss of their family members after teir relative Eric Wrinkles murdered them. Kim and Matt were only nine and three years old when their uncle murdered their parents. Their cousin Tracy was also living with the family at 19 years old when Eric killed their family members.
I’m talking about this story because I saw this today only days after I had the conversation with my friends about forgiveness. I mainly wanted to see if any of these kids or family members would actually forgive their relative.
Tracy said, “I forgave Eric Wrinkles for killing my family. It was time to start healing, and that’s where I wanted to start from. … I don’t want him to be out of prison, but I don’t want him on death row.”
Moments before that, Kim was talking about all of the events and holidays in her life that her parents couldn’t be there for. Every Mother’s Day, other kids would be making things for their parents and she would be making something for her grandma.
Yet, despite all of these hardships, she too forgave Eric even though she doesn’t trust his apology. She said, “Seeing him die won’t bring our parents back. I forgave him a long time ago. I don’t want to carry that hate with me for the rest of my life.”
Social Change
I’m writing about this because of my newly discovered perspective on forgiveness and its contribution to social change.
Many of us engage in projects that have a positive impact in some way rather than just constantly criticizing and complaining about all of the wrongs we come across. Social change is not about fixing isolated problems. It’s about a different way of living and working with each other to achieve communal goals.
My friend was right, even if you kill all of the guilty people who participated in a genocide, you can’t kill the ideology. Killing the guilty does not address the social conditions that led to a tragedy or humanitarian catastrophes.
Perspectives take time to change and there are actions that we can take to begin that process. Maybe in the certain situations, forgiveness is one of them.
Love or hate Oprah, you can’t deny that what she says can influence the behaviour of a mass audience. So when she gives 
Happy holidays everyone!
Why not kick off 2009 with a communication plan?
I talked about the importance of communication planning in my 
Once you’ve outlined the purpose of your project and identified the audiences you’re talking to, state your goals and objectives.
I, like millions around the world, have been hooked on coverage leading up to the long-awaited inauguration of Barack Obama.
It’s been an amazing day. The crowds, the ceremony, and Obama’s speech will be carved in the memories of hundreds of million around the world.
